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What If My Husband Is Using Porn?

Published

7 years ago

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The chances are high that your husband has looked at pornography in the past, is currently using it, or will do so in the future. Barna Group’s research found that among Christian men ages 18–30, 77% look at pornography at least monthly.

These statistics can be disheartening for women who know little about this world or are confused about porn’s appeal. A myriad of conflicting feelings may arise: betrayal and sympathy; rage, horror, and sadness.

What does healthy anger look like? What do healthy boundaries look like? What do you do with your grief, numbness, or ambivalence? What about forgiveness?

Should you find yourself in such a predicament, this article will help prepare you to engage the topic with your husband and hopefully begin the road to reconciliation and healing.

First, Trust Your Gut

If you feel betrayed, it’s because you have been. You may feel sympathy because you love him, and sadness because he has deeply hurt you. You rage because you have been lied to, and you feel as if you have been made a fool. Many women have been told that they feel too much; the passive-aggressive joke that’s never really a joke—“It must be that time of the month”—belittles and invalidates their feelings. These are calculated strategies to undermine your trust in yourself. Insecure men use these manipulative tactics because they work. Don’t trust someone else’s insults above your own intuition. It’s okay to feel all these conflicting emotions. Nothing is wrong with you. Your pain is a sign that you are courageous enough to love, and you are feeling what it means to be fully human.

Second, It’s Not Your Fault

Pornography use is not a personal attack against who you are or the goodness of your body. It’s not because something is wrong with your shape, or that your body is unsatisfying, causing your partner to look elsewhere to fulfill his desires. He is doing this because he has conditioned himself to find comfort in pornography, and often has been doing so for decades. High consumption of porn literally causes brain damage. He is running from his unaddressed woundedness, that is all.

This is where you’ll need to discern the difference between a personal betrayal of your sexual commitment and the idea that something is deficient within yourself. Oftentimes a husband who is in denial may want to project this idea onto you to avoid his own shame and responsibility. Don’t take the bait! It’s important for you to not to take on what it is not yours.

If you are feeling emotionally distant from your spouse, do not immediately assume it’s because you are doing something wrong. Pornography use creates emotional distance. Pornography users often master the ability to sabotage genuine intimacy, shifting responsibility away from themselves. I remember when I was in the middle of my addiction, I was terrified to be emotionally intimate with anyone, for fear of being exposed as the fraud that I was. Genuine intimacy and pornography do not mix well together; they are like oil and water—fundamentally different. It’s most likely not your fault that you and your partner are having trouble connecting emotionally; isolation is at the very core of all compulsive sexual behaviors.

Third, His Integrity Is Not up to You

It is not your responsibility to be an accountability partner or the sole emotional support of your husband. He alone is responsible for his own integrity or lack thereof. Support and love for someone who is struggling with compulsive sexual behavior looks more like reaching your hand out to assist, rather than jumping into a raging river to attempt to save him from himself. You must require truth and open, authentic engagement, but ultimately it is up to him what type of sexuality and integrity he will have. If you take responsibility for his integrity, it enables his immaturity.

His work is learning to become a man and outgrow his adolescent dependence on pornography. Your work is learning how to differentiate from your husband’s failures and create healthy boundaries, rather than enabling the dysfunction to continue. Resist turning a blind eye in willful ignorance; the truth hurts, yet it is the path to healing. I am surprised by how many women come into my office who have known what was going on, but chose to remain in the dark for their own self-preservation. This cowardly posture fosters an enabling environment that allows pornography use to flourish.

As you navigate the many conflicting emotions, you must continue to offer your truth and desireto your partner; to continually bring the fullness of your voice and your fear. “Where are you?” “I am having a hard time finding you.” “I miss connecting with you.” “Are you using pornography again?” “Will you get help?” “I am lonely and not okay—can we get help?” These are all fitting questions as you make an effort to locate your lost partner. When you bring your true self to your partner, he will be forced to face his own false self. By loving and honoring yourself more fully, setting consistent boundaries (for example, “If you continue to use pornography, lie to me about it, do not get help for your addiction, then I will choose to pursue a legal separation”), and having higher standards of fidelity within the relationship, the hope is that you can create an environment where pornography does not flourish.

Finally, Live in Truth

This is a vital step you must take if your husband is using porn. Authenticity and truth are the kryptonite for pornography use. Pornography is based on secrets, and over time those who use pornography learn to live a duplicitous life.

I used porn regularly for nearly thirteen years, and though porn hasn’t been a part of my marriage, it was part of my life while I was a pastor. People wouldn’t have known. I was smooth, and I was good at my job. Those of us who use pornography have become masters of disguise and deception, living two different lives. We eventually forget who we really are. We aren’t bad guys; we are wounded boys looking for relief from unaddressed trauma. This doesn’t by any means excuse our behavior; it simply makes sense of why when men are using pornography: They are cowards unable to offer truth to their lovers. Porn offers a quick, cheap way to escape from a reality that many men are too cowardly to face.

As a partner, will you require full truth in your marriage? Make no more excuses for your emotionally numb husband. Will you tell him how lonely you actually are? Will you share how deeply you miss connecting with him? No more secrets. Will you tell your husband about your fear that he is using pornography again—not as an accusation (though if he is wildly defensive, you have to wonder what he is hiding), but being honest as a way for him to know you more fully? Refuse to give in to fear. You are his equal, his lover and queen. He must see his own darkness and take responsibility for it in order for your marriage to be saved. If you are able to take these steps toward emotional courage, it will help create an environment that fosters authenticity and truth. God is truth, and the more we live in the truth, the more we experience God.

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Cover Story

Elizabeth Nzisa: The Firstborn Who Became a Mother Overnight

Published

4 weeks ago

on

March 19, 2026

By

While most teenagers spend their days focused on school, friendships, and dreams for the future, Elizabeth Nzisa, fondly known as Shiku, was forced to grow up much faster than she ever imagined. At only 17 years old, she found herself taking on the role of a mother to her three younger siblings after her family was hit by tragedy not once, but twice.

Her story, shared in an emotional interview, is a powerful reflection of strength, sacrifice and the deep bond between siblings. Elizabeth recalls the moment her life changed completely. Her mother died while giving birth to their youngest sibling, a baby boy. In the middle of that painful loss, their father walked away from the family, leaving Elizabeth alone with a newborn and two other young children to care for.

Mama yetu alipass 2024, Feb. Alipass akipata haka katoto kadogo. Dad naye akatuacha akaenda

 

Becoming a Mother Too Soon

She explains that she had no choice but to step up and become the parent in the house. She raised her youngest brother from the day he was born, and to this day he calls her mum, not knowing she is actually his big sister. That detail alone shows how much responsibility she carried at such a young age. She became the provider, the protector, the caregiver, and the emotional support for her siblings while she was still trying to understand life herself. With little help from relatives, Elizabeth had to find ways to survive, balancing school when she could, doing small jobs and making sure her siblings were fed, safe and loved.

The journey was not easy. She faced financial struggles, emotional exhaustion, and the pressure of trying to stay strong even when she felt overwhelmed. There were moments when she doubted herself and wondered if she was doing enough. Still, her story is not about defeat. It is about endurance. Elizabeth talks about finding strength through faith, support from the people around her, and the determination to keep her family together no matter how hard things became.

Over the years, she made sure her siblings stayed in school, had food on the table, and grew up feeling loved despite everything they had lost. What could have been a completely broken home became a family held together by her sacrifice and commitment.

Many viewers reacted emotionally, saying the story moved them to tears. Some described firstborn daughters as second mothers, while others said her life shows the kind of courage people rarely see but should never forget.

 

Click here to read our March issue 2026

Continue Reading

Cover Story

Elizabeth Nzisa: The Firstborn Who Became a Mother Overnight

Published

4 weeks ago

on

March 19, 2026

By

While most teenagers spend their days focused on school, friendships, and dreams for the future, Elizabeth Nzisa, fondly known as Shiku, was forced to grow up much faster than she ever imagined. At only 17 years old, she found herself taking on the role of a mother to her three younger siblings after her family was hit by tragedy not once, but twice.

Her story, shared in an emotional interview, is a powerful reflection of strength, sacrifice and the deep bond between siblings. Elizabeth recalls the moment her life changed completely. Her mother died while giving birth to their youngest sibling, a baby boy. In the middle of that painful loss, their father walked away from the family, leaving Elizabeth alone with a newborn and two other young children to care for.

Mama yetu alipass 2024, Feb. Alipass akipata haka katoto kadogo. Dad naye akatuacha akaenda

 

Becoming a Mother Too Soon

She explains that she had no choice but to step up and become the parent in the house. She raised her youngest brother from the day he was born, and to this day he calls her mum, not knowing she is actually his big sister. That detail alone shows how much responsibility she carried at such a young age. She became the provider, the protector, the caregiver, and the emotional support for her siblings while she was still trying to understand life herself. With little help from relatives, Elizabeth had to find ways to survive, balancing school when she could, doing small jobs and making sure her siblings were fed, safe and loved.

The journey was not easy. She faced financial struggles, emotional exhaustion, and the pressure of trying to stay strong even when she felt overwhelmed. There were moments when she doubted herself and wondered if she was doing enough. Still, her story is not about defeat. It is about endurance. Elizabeth talks about finding strength through faith, support from the people around her, and the determination to keep her family together no matter how hard things became.

Over the years, she made sure her siblings stayed in school, had food on the table, and grew up feeling loved despite everything they had lost. What could have been a completely broken home became a family held together by her sacrifice and commitment.

Many viewers reacted emotionally, saying the story moved them to tears. Some described firstborn daughters as second mothers, while others said her life shows the kind of courage people rarely see but should never forget.

 

Click here to read our March issue 2026

Continue Reading

Cover Story

Endometriosis and sex: How to make intimacy pain-free

Published

1 month ago

on

March 11, 2026

By

There is no doubt that endometriosis can affect a woman’s way of life. The condition slews a couple of conditions, painful sex being one of them. Penetration pulls and pushes any tissue growth behind the vagina and lower uterus.

Although symptoms may differ from woman to woman, here are some things you can do to lessen your pain and ensure you have some good time:

Take a dose of painkillers

Take an over the counter painkiller that sits well with your body before intercourse and incase pain persists, take another one as prescribed.

Track your cycle and try at certain times of the month

Most women with endometriosis experience excruciating pain during their period and ovulation. Keep track of your cycle so that you can know when you are ovulating. You can use apps like my calendar and flo period tracker to track your periods. This will help you know when best to engage in sexual intercourse.

READ ALSO: Crucial Facts About Endometriosis Everyone Should Know About

Use lube

Vaginal dryness is not something to be ashamed of and if you happen to have it, lube should be your best buddy. Make sure to use any silicon or water based lubricant anytime you feel like your vagina is dry. Ensure the application is of good amount to achieve a wet area.

Explore alternatives

Talk with your partner about things that turn you on and bring you pleasure. Just to mention a few; mutual masturbation, foreplay, kissing and mutual fondling. Sex does not have to mean intercourse.

Try different positions

Experimenting different positions can teach you and your partner which ones hurt and the ones that bring direct pleasure with no or less pain. Positions that are considered better vary from person to person so take the time to explore and learn yourself with your partner.

Find the right rhythm

Finding the right rhythm can help you experience less discomfort during sex. Quick thrusting or deep penetration can aggravate pain. Talk to your partner about that which you do not like and find ways that will satisfy the both of you like exchanging positions so that you can control the speed and rhythm.

Bottom line

Intimacy does not have to be boring, painful or make you hate the condition that you have. Talk openly about your feelings around sex and penetration and what would help to ease your concerns.

Our FREE  e-paper March Issue is here!
As we celebrate our women this month, we bring you the best stories and the most inspiring features to get you going.
Click HERE to read!

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