Men, just like women, have sex secrets women ought to know about if they are to share a fulfilling sex life with their partner. We share those secrets with you hoping they will improve your sex life as you discover more joy from understanding your partner better.

Secret One:Sex is very important to men as it makes them feel wanted.

Mistake women make:They reject men sexually and don’t realise how much it hurts them.

Sex is a primal form of giving for men, a way for them to offer themselves and be received or accepted, physically and emotionally. When a man makes a sexual overture to his partner, he is doing more than asking for sex. Whether he is aware of it or not, he is saying, “Please accept me; please receive me.” You can imagine how hurt he gets if he feels unaccepted.

This is not to say that women should always say yes when men ask for sex but they should learn to understand the particular vulnerability men have in offering themselves to you, and therefore receive them in some way when they offer themselves. Other than having sex, you can display your love and affection for them in many other ways. For example, kissing and caressing them, telling them you love them and that you also wish to make love but later or when its more convenient. As long as you mean it, you should always remember to tell your man how much you appreciate having him in your life and openly displaying gestures of love and caring.

Men take sexual rejection very badly. They feel a woman is saying, “I don’t want you, I don’t love you.” Since men don’t always know how to express their hurt, they may retaliate by shutting you off their life, sulking, being uncommunicative or seeking sex elsewhere. So if you are not in the mood for sex or it is that time of month when it’s not convenient, say no to sex, but yes to loving him. Men always want to feel loved and appreciated.

Secret Two: Men need to feel they are doing a good job in life.

Mistake women make: They make men feel like failures

From the time they are little boys, men are taught to “do well,” to be “performers,” and to get out there and make something of themselves. Thus, when men make mistakes, they feel like failures, especially if those mistakes become public. And when women take men to task for their mistakes, they are pushing the button in men that may lead to an explosion or shutdown. Their ego gets hurt. When you criticise a man, he hears you saying, “You are bad. You have failed.”

You may just be suggesting that he stops to ask for directions since you have been driving for twenty minutes looking for a friend’s house, or are simply suggesting he does something differently to achieve better results. Often he will imagine you are saying much more and this may end up in a fight or a bit of sulking. You will end up feeling that you have to ‘tiptoe’ in the relationship because of his temper, or because he does not like being criticised.

The solution is not to keep quiet when you think your man is not doing the right thing or he should do something differently, but to express yourself with love and tenderness when you correct or criticise him. Always make sure you are not saying “you are bad or a failure,” or sounding like that’s what you are saying. Correct or criticise him with great sensitivity, making sure he knows you still love and admire him.

Of course we are not suggesting that you treat your man like a baby or feel like you have to walk on eggshells all the time you are in his company. Just be aware of his lifetime cultural conditioning that dictates he has had to do things right and be right all the time, just because he is a man. Make sure you are not talking to him in a way that makes him feel belittled just because he may be doing something wrong. Just like a little child, correcting with love does wonders.

Secret Three:Men love women who like sex.

Mistake women make:They don’t let men know how much sex they like.

In many cultures, women are often brought up to believe that there are “good girls” and “bad girls.” The good girls don’t like sex too much and only have it to fulfill their husbands and to procreate. Most women try to conform and therefore don’t express their desire for sex. Many women have a difficult time asking their partner to make love, or showing their partner during sex how much they love it, and/or talking about it afterwards. Very often men have affairs with “lusty, earthly women,” women who aren’t afraid to show the sexual side of themselves.

The majority of men hate always being the ones to suggest sex to their partners, as this puts them in a position to be rejected constantly. Men like it when their women are the sexual aggressors more of the time. Women should not let the men do all the work. You should show your man that you want him and also let him know how much you love having sex with him. If you take a risk to openly discuss sex with your man, he will not only love it and love you the more, but you will probably also find you are feeling sexier too.

 Secret Four: Men really like a woman with a sense of humour.

Mistake women make:They act too frightened or shy of men to be able to be fun with.

Many men complain that their partners are too “serious” or never let their guard down. They say they need to go out with the guys to laugh it up and have some fun. Sometimes going out with the guys includes those certain women who spend time with other people’s boyfriends and husbands as “one of the crowd.” Often these are strictly legitimate relationships, and when you ask your partner what he sees in that ‘crazy’ woman who drinks, talks and behaves like a man, he will likely answer, “She really knows how to have a good time.”

While not all women should become men’s drinking partners, women need to lighten up and stop being so afraid of men that they cannot be a little more playful. No man wants to have a dull partner. They want someone they can laugh and have fun with, both in and out of bed

Secret Five:Men like to experience the feminine side of women

Mistake women make:They cut themselves off from their femininity because it has limited them so much in the past, especially on career success.

There is a lot about women’s feminine conditioning that can be useless or even harmful in relationships, but there is a lot that women should retain as it allows them to express their gender in a way they enjoy. Women should enjoy being professionals and independent but they should also let themselves fall apart and feel helpless sometimes, allowing their partner to take care of them and give them advice and comfort.

Women should enjoy running around in jeans, sneakers and sweatshirts, but they should also enjoy dressing up and putting on make-up and sexy heels for a fun evening. Basically, women should try and have it all, and in a way that is the essence of a liberated woman. Without discarding her femininity, she gives herself permission to express ”male” qualities of power and aggression in a feminine way.

Men love the contrast and complexity of a woman who can be powerful, assertive, and independent, and still be “feminine” when she wants to be. Finding a balance is up to you. But if you haven’t worn a dress in months, don’t pay much attention to your appearance, feel very asexual, and wonder why you and or husband don’t have a great sex life, you may want to explore yourself and find the feminine you again, so that all of you can be loved. No man wants to jump into bed with another man unless he is gay, so show your man the real woman in you outside the business suit or the boss in your business enterprise.

Secret Six:Men love competent and successful women

Mistake women make:They hide their accomplishments from men and from themselves.

Competence and success turn men on. Perhaps this is because men are trained to be competent and successful themselves, and recognising it in someone else makes them feel attracted to that person. It isn’t even a physical attraction. It is an energy attraction. The problem is that so many women are professionals at putting themselves down. Women have been conditioned to make the man feel like he is smarter, better, and more successful than she is, and so they sacrifice their own self-esteem to keep this outdated myth alive.

Start being proud of yourself and speaking honestly and openly about your accomplishments. Bring out that old piece of sculpture and show your man what a terrific artist you are. Sit down at the piano and show your partner what beautiful music you can make. Show him all the swimming trophies you got from school. Let him know you were an A-student and are a great performer at your job, hence the frequent promotions. Don’t try to hide your intelligence when holding a discussion with your partner. Speak your mind truthfully. Find out what you do well and do it. Your man will appreciate you more and take you as a respectable equal in the relationship.

Published in February 2014