Both men and women make common and damaging mistakes when dealing with each other on matters of sex. This is because no one ever told us about the secrets that help us understand the other gender and what they like or don’t like sexually. In this column, we explore common sex mistakes men make and the secrets they should know about women. We shall address women in the next issue.

Secret One:Women really love to be seduced.

 Mistake:Men in committed relationships very rarely seduce their partners. It is not often that a married man will deliberately seduce his wife; instead he will assume that sex should happen automatically just because they are married.

Women love to be seduced because it makes them feel admired, wanted and loved – the three feelings every woman longs for. Feeling wanted turns a woman on. It makes her feel beautiful and desirable sexually and this is a definite turn on. The more she gets turned on in her head, the more her ability to love herself and her partner, and the more intensely she can get turned on to her lover.

Seducing a woman doesn’t have to be a full-scale effort or a full time job. It means not taking for granted that she is there. It means starting the lovemaking hours, even a day or two, before you plan to make love. Sending little notes, text messages, romantic messages, loving phone calls, flowers or chocolate, dropping little hints, or making suggestions of intimacy, all go a long way to preparing the woman mentally for sex.

Seducing a woman means not showing up in the bedroom naked and getting into bed without a shower or brushing teeth, or even saying a word, and then speedily getting down to the business of kissing and fondling her and penetrating her as quickly as possible. Women hate hurried sex and in case you don’t already know, it takes longer for a woman to get ready for sex than a man. Women love men who know how to seduce them; men who take their time in foreplay and gently take each step leading to full intercourse while talking to the woman about sweet little nothings, and ensuring she comes along with him. Loving, passionate and caring men don’t take anything for granted about their women. They ask what she likes and ensure they make her happy.

Secret Two:Women get turned on in their heads first.

Mistake:Men don’t talk enough during loving making and concentrate too hard on the thrusting job and their own climax.

Women have higher verbal skills than men and are more expressive. This may be from upbringing where little girls are encouraged to read, be social and results oriented, and little boys to be more physical, sporty and task-oriented. Women often feel through their minds – they are stimulated by thoughts, images and allusions. In contrast, men are aroused more through vision and touch. A man can come by just looking at a naked woman, a picture of a naked woman or being touched.

What this means is that during sex, women generally like to be talked to; to be told they are beautiful and to be told how you are feeling. Every woman derives great pride in the knowledge that she can sexually satisfy a man. Women also want to be reminded that you look up to them for sexual satisfaction; what you want to do to them; and how you feel about them. They also wait to be asked what they want done to them and how they are feeling. This turns women on and also turns men on, too.

Men tend to be quieter during sex as they are more internal, concentrating on their own feelings and sensations and hoping they are transferring what they are feeling to the woman. Men should try to express their feelings to the woman before, during, and after sex. Not only will it remove all inhibitions and add flavour to sex, but the woman will love it, too.

Secret Three: Women don’t like to be rushed.

Mistake: Men have a horrible habit of ‘checking’ a woman to see if she is ‘ready’ and this can be quite irritating to the woman.

All sexual experts agree that women take longer than men to become fully sexually aroused but men are at times too impatient. Sometimes men will put a finger in the vagina to see whether the woman is ‘ready’ for penetration, assuming that all a woman needs to be ready is to become wet. Most women don’t like it when a man takes his fingers and explores their vagina to see how lubricated she is. And when they find conditions unsatisfactory they remove the finger and begin intently stimulating the woman with the hope of getting her juices flowing. A woman first needs mental stimulation before she can get ready down there. And even when she is lubricated and not mentally well stimulated, she will not enjoy the sex.

When women feel pressured and ‘checked’ out in bed for readiness, they tend to feel less safe and secure and may get performance anxiety. When women don’t feel safe, they have a harder time becoming sexually aroused and even getting an orgasm. A man should take his time; enjoy love in each moment and cease from putting his fingers down there. You will know when she’s ready if you are talking to her and also reading her body language. If a woman is free with you, she will tell you when she is ready for penetration.

Secret Four: Women need to feel emotionally secure in order to become fully aroused.

 Mistake: Men use other women to make their own partners feel Insecure. They assume if they are master flirters women, including their partner will love and admire them.

One great advice for all men – if you want to keep your woman sexy and receptive to you, please don’t flirt with other women or make your woman jealous. Jealousy may make a woman feel more desperate for you, but it will probably end up shutting her down sexually after a while, or possibly want to revenge and so also go out on a flirting trip with other men.

Women need to feel emotionally safe and appreciated before they can really open up sexually to a lover. Threatening your partner’s sense of emotional security will definitely have a negative effect on your sex life, and you won’t feel so good about yourself on the inside either. And mark you, we are not talking here about full-blown affairs or extra-marital sex, but flirting – where you meet a woman you know and get all over her, hugging and talking to her to the exclusion of your partner. Or being in a party and spending all your time talking to one woman or on the dancing floor with her. Or paying a lot of compliments to a woman in front of your partner. This behaviour kills trust and your sex life goes down with it.

Secret Five: Having a vagina and a womb, organs that are internal, makes a woman feel very vulnerable.

Mistake:Men don’t understand the power to the sexual experience for women and often underrate it.

Men will never know what it is like to have an inside to which other people have access. An inside that is also able to hold a life for nine months before finally being discharged to the world. That’s how it feels to be a woman – vulnerable, open and receptive. Taking a part of someone’s inside our bodies is sometimes very frightening and risky. If not well handled it can make a woman feel violated. It is as if women have no defense once a man enters them. They feel ultimately in a vulnerable position and this can make them very delicate. Some women cry when making love out of feelings of vulnerability.

To respect a woman’s body and honour her for her willingness to allow you to enter it is truly to make love to a woman. This awareness applies to each stage of lovemaking and it is important that men hold it with the highest respect.

Before entry: You wouldn’t barge into someone’s home without knocking. So please don’t do that to a woman’s body. Make sure you have knocked gently, been invited in, and even then, enter with respect and trend carefully as this is private property.

During intercourse: You are in a sacred place where life germinates and becomes a child. No matter how turned on a woman is she needs time to adjust to your presence inside her. Go slowly and allow yourself to feel fully where you are and also to be sure the woman is feeling comfortable with you inside her. Think about how amazing it is to be inside the body of the woman you love, to be that close to her essence, to end up as one with her – this is the magic of lovemaking.

After intercourse: When you have guests in the house and everyone leaves, the house feels empty for a while. When a man withdraws himself from a woman’s body, it may be a shock to her system. You were so close, and now you are gone. Take the time to fill in the emptiness, first with a thank you for her letting you inside her sacred body and being so welcoming. Follow this with loving words, reminding her you value her and don’t take anything for granted; fill her with embraces and assurances that you will always be there for her. Don’t make the mistake of turning over soon after withdrawing and falling asleep. This breaks a woman’s heart and adds to the loneliness and feeling of being taken for granted.

Secret Six: Women need a lot of verbal appreciation and attention.

Mistake: Men take their woman for granted and get lazy about appreciating them.

The majority of women do not have affairs outside a committed relationship. They don’t want to have them. Their instinct usually is to preserve the relationship. However, when women have affairs, the reason is usually that they didn’t feel they were getting enough attention and appreciation from their partners. Women need more than bread and butter, or a roof over their heads– they need to hear words of appreciation. Women end up in affairs when they are desperate to find someone who would pay attention to them and appreciate the goodness in them. Having an affair is not a solution to marital problems, and, if anything, makes them worse and may lead to divorce.

No couple should neglect their partner to the point that they end up looking for comforts elsewhere. Learning to make love all the time means being in a love affair with your partner and making him or her the person you rush to the phone to call, or get excited about meeting in a restaurant, or reuniting with at home at the end of the day. You want to know how your partner is and when you meet them, the first question you ask is how their day was, as you keenly listen with empathy.

 Now that men know secrets about women, don’t you think women should also become familiar with men’s sexual secrets? Check this column in the next issue.

Published in January 2014