Do you have mismatched libidos – your partner wants more, you want less. Welcome to the real world of most busy couples whose sex lives are in ruins and need some mending. These tips are for you.

Be honest. Are you at peace with your sex life? Are you having enough of sex? Do you think he is too demanding or she does not like sex? Do you wish your libidos could be matched?

Many couples are not coping sexually because of the stressful lives they lead and the dramas of every day life, to the point that sex is relegated to the bottom of priorities. Others react to the pressures of life by using sex as a stress-release rather than pleasure-enhancer – and end up with a different, though equally bad, set of problems: soulless sex.

Add to this the fact that many couples may not share the same appetite for sex. Mismatched libidos – one wanting more or less than the other – is one of the main sex problems affecting couples today.

There are many factors that dictate whether we are a high or low libido person: pressure and stress, medications, past history, possible previous sexual traumas, our partner’s lovemaking skills, general health – all play a part. Genes, too. Some people just don’t have terribly many sexual thoughts, feelings, or fantasies and so their appetite for sex is low.

If your sex drives are unequal, then you are in for a bumpy ride, with friction and resentment around every corner. It’s a problem that can ultimately ruin even the best relationships – but there is a lot that can be done to even up the sexual scales. You can use some or all of these tips to fix the problem.

Get a good night’s sleep: Impaired sleep leads to a reduction in testosterone, the hormone that boosts both men and women’s libidos.

Say ‘no’ nicely: Reject sex, not your partner, by making it clear you are not upset just because they want sex when you don’t. If you are on the receiving end, accept that ‘no’ means no. And do it graciously.

Take responsibility for your libido: Don’t expect your partner to turn you on, do it yourself. Make it your mission to pinpoint what gets you in the mood for sex, then do it more.

Sort out any body issues: The better you feel about your body, the more you enjoy sex.

Sort out any upbringing issues: So you don’t really like being touched, sexually or otherwise? If you have grown up in a family where love was not expressed through touch, you may not have learned to link touching with love, let alone the next step of sexual pleasure. Sometimes simply being aware of this can help you overcome the problem.

Let your imagination loose: Don’t be ashamed of your fantasies and refuse to feel guilty of having sex with someone you love or fantasising with someone other than your partner. While you should not be unfaithful to your partner, it does no harm to fantasise with that movie star who turns you on, or someone else you have fancied in your head.

Make sure it’s sex you’re hungry for: Don’t use sex as a replacement for intimacy, affection, sleep, or a stress-reduction device.

Don’t take more than you need: Don’t demand many sexual delights when a little would take away the hunger pains, especially when you are aware your partner is a low libido person. Learn to love quickies. All sex sessions don’t have to be marathons. Sometimes a quickie is just what both of you want.

Use lubricant to help you get aroused: If a woman is not aroused, she probably is also dry. Which means anything your partner does feels half as pleasurable as it should – and you feel self-conscious about it. Next time, add lubrication before you start to have sex. K-Y jelly will do just fine. The added moisture not only makes everything feel better and you sexier, you also stop worrying that your partner thinks you are not turned on and focus on what he is doing to turn you on. Plus, you reduce chances of painful sex.

Meet halfway: If you don’t want intercourse, find ways to please each other – any kind of physical intimacy such as touching, cuddling, kissing, or even oral sex if you don’t mind it.

Focus on sex, don’t avoid it: If you are constantly being hassled for sex, then it often becomes the last thing you want to watch or read about. Low libido people often avert their eyes when they see nudity, a sexy scene on TV or in the movies, or flip the page if they hit a sexy story in a magazine. Don’t. Stop feeling guilty for saying no and make yourself open to the positives of sex. It’s just as easy to think yourself not sexy as it is to talk yourself out of it.

Experiment with masturbation: For most people, the more they masturbate, the more their body gets used to having orgasms and the higher their libido. For others, it depletes what little urge they have. Find what works for you and don’t be shy to try and also discuss with your partner.

Know what you want: You number one need is to be satisfied sexually, both in and out of bed. If you need to relax first before having sex, don’t be scared to ask your partner to give you a massage or for them to take care of the children or housework while you take a shower and a little nap.

Create optimum sexual satisfaction conditions: Know what turns your partner on and off. Explore all possible options and learn new tricks and tips and also broaden your sexual repertoire as much as possible.

Don’t confuse being loved with being lusted for: Just because they are not wanting sex after a mere look at you doesn’t mean they love or desire you less than you do them. Your sexual response system works quicker, that’s all.

Give sex a high priority in your life: If you are avoiding sex or not interested, chances are it’s the last thing you do, last thing at night. Even high sex drive people sometimes wonder if it’s worth the effort when they are exhausted after a long day at work. Try sex before you start dinner. Or if you really are too stressed during the week, have breakfast in bed on the weekends and then have sex. Remember it’s quality not quantity that matters.

Initiate sex, even if you’re acting: If you have got a high sex drive and are always the one asking your partner for sex, you tend to think of yourself as the ‘sexy’ person and the one who wants it less as the ‘less sexy’ person. Initiating sex is a turn-on. It puts you in the sexual power position, and that alone can often kick-start libido. So if you are the ‘less sexy’ one, start something. Even if the resulting sex isn’t that wonderful, your partner will be thrilled to bits that you are at least trying or, if they refused, you’ve gotten a taste of what it is like to be in their shoes.

Get your body clocks in sync: Is it really a case of mismatched libidos or a morning person matched with a nighttime one? Take turns on the time of day you make love. And try sex mid-morning or mid-afternoon and in different places – couch, kitchen, study…

Redirect your energy: If you are the high libido person, shift focus from your sex life to your relationship. Be affectionate and make it abundantly clear you don’t just want them for sex; you love them unconditionally.

Sex does not equal intercourse: Give each other orgasms through other means such as oral sex, or hand stimulation. Make sure sex doesn’t always end with intercourse.

Plenty of women don’t get an orgasm through intercourse alone, so tend to find penetrative sex quite boring. The easier it is for you to get an orgasm, the higher your sex drive. And vice versa. Explore all other orgasm opportunities.

Don’t relax while you’re having sex. Instead, focus on the erotic sensations you are feeling. Tighten the muscles of your thighs, bottom, lower stomach, and your pelvic floor muscles to help trigger an orgasm reflex. Stay in the here and now. Try to tune off your work worries, kids, bills or other problems. A stressed person is not a sexy person and everyday life is not erotic either.

Set up a craving cycle: It’s a bit like the sugar craving you get when you see chocolate. Your body learns to ask for what feels good. And let’s be honest, orgasm feels good.

Your body – quite logically – says “more please” and sulks if you don’t obey by developing either psychological or physical cravings when denied its high. The more sex you have, the more you want. Furthermore, the emotional intimacy gained by physical intimacy can make it worth the effort. When you have good sex, you are constantly reminded of all the physical and emotional pulses.

Put yourself on a sex initiating programme: If you never initiate sex, this is particularly helpful. During the sexual initiating programme, your partner remains “passive” when you initiate sexual contact. Make it clear that they are not to take it further, but simply accept and enjoy what you’re doing to them.

It’s important you spell out to them or they will naturally take over. They also need to give you permission to stop when you want. Lots of low libido people are too scared to start something, in case they don’t want to follow through, so avoid even kissing their partner because they know they will be badgered for sex when all they wanted was to cuddle.

Published in December 2015